You all know I have been excited about the entire Re;Pink concept from the start. I have been awaiting the go ahead for at least the Pink meat to start cooking here! Funny: I was telling a close friend to my wife and I that after nearly 10 years in the Spirit He has revealed a new gift! She is one of my fav saints here and we could always express our hearts to her and she was money when I needed to have a witness! Once I told her a brief about the gift she looks seriously at me (as if to not offend me perhaps J) and says “you know that doesn’t surprise me, but most burden bearers are women…but since you have a big heart He uses that”. I smiled agreeably and told her “I knew a long time ago I had a little more emotional makeup from my mother”. I may be 40/60 but don’t tell anybody! My dad also has a big heart which is why I may be a mess sometimes. Now that we’ve established my emotional make up let us delve deep into the pink here.
It all seemed to start up just before Easter from what I can sense looking back. I was sensing Him working on my heart, instead of pouring it out constantly (more on that in another thread). Good Friday rolled around and I got ready for work just like any other day. I walked into the shop and could tell by the look on my workmate’s face that he was surprised to see me. He looks puzzled and says “did boss tell you to come in today? If he didn’t it is a paid holiday”! I said “no, I didn’t realize this was one of our paid ones, I hadn’t heard”, and with that it was a free day at home! I was pumped because this basement remodel has been on almost 4 months now. So I headed off to celebrate my lovable cluelessness once again! To be fair: I have missed entire company work meetings because I didn’t know, remember, or see some random flyer (I mean who reads all that stuff on walls anyway?). To me, it is a poor means of communication to expect people to look over 50 flyers on the wall, very impersonal. Send us an email if it applies to me good night! Pet the rabbit.
Since the return from conference I have not been able to soak in enough worship, so got the roller and brush out and fired up the tunes. Looking back it was a dramatic couple of days! I worked the room in worship with the focus of all Good Friday could mean. Getting deeper into worship He told me “put everything you can think or say on the cross today”. I began placing any possible obstacle to wholeness to die with Him today. I put anything He spoke to me about that would be any sort of sin there…on the cross. I even placed people on there I thought were important to me. I cried out deeply because I told Him in tears, “I don’t want to hinder anyone’s walk in the slightest! I don’t want my need for anything to hold anyone back from their fullest destiny Lord”! The song I shared with several “Running to You” was on repeat for hours! “I’m running to You, a child to his Father, my life in Your hands…” are some lyrics. I have discovered that big hearts can get in the way of others if not highly careful. I knew several people were going through a lot right there too, and I had to not be in the way of their process (you know my love of process!).
I felt a presence of Him that was extremely rare for my house (and I enjoy the peace that is here compared to I don’t know…every other public place!). When He pulls you into that zone with chunks of time in front of you, how can you not surrender? I truly believe I was being baptized in His love these couple of days, my heart was being overwhelmed inside of me. He is showing me now in this process of a month what truly falling in love with Jesus truly is like. I always wondered in my spirit man how in the wide world of sports people could truly say that about Him. Reverence and fear for His power, His name, and a true and genuine love for Him…yes…but a deep falling in love? At risk of self-counseling here, ‘falling in love with Jesus’ sounded like something that would be strictly attributed to the Jesus Movement of the 70’s! I have desired to spend more time with Him a lot over these past 10 years especially, but this feels so different…intimately so.
He says to hook up the plow so sniff some diesel here peeps. I will give a specific example (although be it a small one) from last two nights. I am usually past dinner and hitting the shower in and around seven in the evening generally speaking. I am an audio junkie going back to the time of recording equipment older than some of our audience (insert dated audio format joke here). I have incorporated noise into my very fiber for a myriad of reasons, though He has cured the nonstop push of it over these years. One of the most important ‘words’ He gave me directly was about Fox News. I was a news junkie when He spoke these words to me “all this news and prophecy stuff becomes junk food to your spirit man. Like eating Twinkies every day, you can eat them with every meal but not good for your health.”
The tractor veered off there…sorry. The last two nights I have been drawn to a song on the worship list. It is one of those that has been on the list for almost 3 years! When you listen to worship music regularly that could become a pretty stale song in that time for me. It spoke to me like the Word does…hundreds of interactions with it but today the Spirit breathed a fuller life into it! It is a song about His presence and I can tell it well describes how we fall in love with Him just being in His presence.
You have to understand my former way of thinking. The presence to me was a created thing. If I would stir up the gifts/anointing/ and all the rest He would move. If the right combo of people brought the right hearts in, a sense of His presence would come in. It could be created in your house for instance and others could feel it. While I still believe these things are a part of presence, I now understand how His presence just takes us completely over. I know that He can always renew it also. One of my biggest fears He had me to overcome in all this is His presence is a renewable resource. Part of that I am finding is related to the burden bearing thing. I actually didn’t want to try and get ‘too high’ because I always found the crash later to be devastating to my spirit. It was like a cartoon you watched as a kid…there is our character walking on the top of the mountain…oops he seems to have stumbled and rolled violently down to the bottom…time to start over!
Now back to our writing, already in progress (I always thought my ADD was a creative benefit, I have only asked Him to heal the bad parts of that honestly)! In the midst of all this pouring out I felt one of those rare manifestations (at least for me). I would describe it as my heart to this point was half and half. Half of it was fully pink, on fire for Him, and wonderfully fleshy. The other portion was a scarred over mess I simply did not understand or have any clue how to process/receive healing for. Over the past few years I didn’t even know what to ask for any longer. I would go before Him just numb, wanting, but not really even knowing what I needed to ask for. It felt like I had been ran over and left behind in many ways…a dull hopelessness had captured a part of my heart. I don’t know if I could call it stone, that depicts to me a full giving up and surrendering (and as messy as it can be, that is not my style!). I have felt like He granted me a unique ability to wait in Him.
Suddenly amidst all of this going on in my spirit, I felt a physical manifestation of the spiritual. It was as if He was saying ‘Let us place all your wounded heart on the cross today, come die with Me’! Oh, friends, that was such a load off that I physically felt my heart searing like with a hot iron/catarizing the wounds of many blows/years. He also seemed to say ‘Let me create a full heart of pink flesh’. I can best describe it as a soothing burn in my heart. I felt Him taking misunderstandings, people unknowingly hurting me, all the times I felt unheard/not received, and all the times I had poured my heart out and not received love back. I have seen that we are wired to have two way relationships with each other as believers. He showed me over these years how many are in it for themselves and to make themselves feel good, when in reality that can only come through our relationship in Him. Our obedience is always key. I still feel like I have obeyed to the best of my ability in Him. I did not receive His confidence in that, which had me seeking approval from people (a struggle I still have to wrestle with).
I became used to pouring my heart out and waiting for disappointment! Is there an Eor spirit? Haha! I still believe there are plenty of clueless people in the world, don’t get me wrong. We have to be comforted in obedience, knowing we did what He asked. It can be hard on a big hearted personality to not feel they received it well or heck even the lack of expression can be tough to receive. He has taught me to let it fly and let it ride (still working on the let it ride part)! So from Good Friday through Saturday I worked in the basement on this heart rework, receiving so many blessings and healings from Him! I will run out of words describing all this couple of days means to me personally. Have you ever felt that way? Who else but the Lord can fathom all it really means and all the good that transpired? This part 3 has a big part to go yet, but I have already been up three hours and it is not yet 6 a.m., so we will pink on as He moves on!
We all believe as a wise man once said “the stories are the point!” For those who have not read the bulk of my keyboard tickling, there are actual points and dialogue beyond what appears to read as an ADD trip gone awry! One of my old friends read some of my earlier stuff and said “whoever edits this will not be paid near enough!” So the grill is now on and we put the meat next to flame. The next few paragraphs I want to share my (clear throat…uhhh hummm-not sure how to spell that) points and nuggets about the Re;Pink process. The power to heal came home with me…an overburdened scarred-over heart and all. I realize the depth of this power was not with me before, or I did not know how to unlock it into my existence before now. I am a worker bee at heart, and He meets me in rest or work now, instead of me feeling that need to stir it up…the power is just there! I praise Him so much for every person that contributed to the fullness of that Power being able to stay connected to me this time. He has healed my heart, spirit, and body! He is in process of rebuilding relationships and new family bonds. Before tears get in the way, I will leave it there.
I truly believe He healed my heart for a very important reason…hurt hearts can help who? Very few that is who! He has renewed my heart for others again. I know I retreated inward for peace and safety. Is isolation really safety though? It was a place under His wing, yes, but it was not complete in my heart that was for sure. Our hearts are so important to Him. It is where He is going to push and pull in our walk…at our hearts. Even before Easter He showed me how a renewed heart can minister to others! I prayed for numerous residents on the fly and as He led. I don’t know what He did with it, but I felt a sense of the Spirit speaking into people who truly needed Him (not another freakin’ nice church service!). Not to be glib or salty there, just frosts me that the majority of churches actually believe their own relevancy. I sensed Him say something I hadn’t considered also…that the key to my own healing is in praying for others. I had heard a similar thread before, just not quite this way. I don’t EVER want to lose the wonder of His Spirit moving thru hearts! It was so cool to see how He ministered to my residents in the past month, I look forward to what else He has planned!
Some who haven’t heard all my stories might wonder why I find these moves of Him so monumental. Yes, for you it is everyday God, but…for me it has been a mixed bag. Not lamenting, I wouldn’t trade my journey for the fast track. I am happy in learning lessons, good and hard! He has been conditioning my heart for just this present season. I know what it is to be deep and feel totally lost in wilderness. These are the first inspired writings in four dadgum years folks! Could you wait four years from now to use the gift He gave you a dream about? Your destiny? I was fully willing at some point in there to surrender all my striving and wait in Him. I had every good reason to suspend hope, place it on a shelf for ‘maybe someday’. I hit walls and felt numbness that was full on encompassing. Shockingly, my wilderness writings were even before that! I literally could not express what I felt for about 2 years in writing. I worked hard in Him by surrounding myself with good preaching videos, stayed in the Word, and did have encouragement a friend to help carry me. I can’t say it was as I would have chosen (who chooses that?…my counselor asked me once). I can say contently the process brought me to here!
One of the points He impressed to my spirit during these days is this: What is the heart dependent on? Much like our natural bodies, it is dependent on the body (the Body of Christ). The heart will be the strongest when all parts of the Body are working as they should be. That is true on a personal level AND on a Body of Christ level. Many talk of being the hands and feet of God. Agree with all such statements. The question I have is do the hands and feet operate without the heart, brain, and other parts of the body? No brainer if you ask me. I may meld two points together here, I see how they more directly relate: so many people are developing the muscles on their body part that they fail to bond with the Body itself. Have you all not heard me mention the sudden brick walls people hit? It is because they are not in flow with the Body. I used to be too busy, but now I don’t care about anything that gets in my way of His deal…period.
I truly believe some of the Body issues are American in nature. A crowded, overly busy lifestyle not rooted in Him, but in performance and pleasure. Did God turn three colors…red, white, and blue? I don’t think so! We are required in Him to ask Him every little thing we are to invest in…you may be surprised at what He is not asking us to do! The Body is a package of parts. I have seen too many churches and ministries function without all the parts…sad really, and so void of power. Is the heart of God not the Body? We all understand what the Word says about the Body…how the hand cannot be a foot and vice versa. I am so ready for the true Body to form and not have a bunch of hands telling me what I should be interested in. I know what He has spoken to me about ‘my part’. I am probably the midsection…not the heart more like the gut (not quite to 6-pack abs yet but…). Does anyone remember Jesus saying to Peter “go do this, whoa, gonna be a lot of work, go do that”? No, He said plainly: “feed My sheep”. To me that is part of my calling in writing, the sheep. He may use it otherwise, but that is what fires me up, encouraging the Body to perform their parts, not be a dang clone of me!